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So this is a rare double post day, enjoy it while it lasts. These events occurred after the events chronicled in the previous post. In fact they went down right afterward. We left the after party at ACME and headed off to a party that a friend of Jenny's was throwing. It was a pretty boring party. I'd only met a few of the people before. They were pretty tame. In fact the events for the night went as follows.

I drank my first beer, and started to heckle the hostess. She decides we should play Mafia, and so we do. All the while I'm getting more boisterous. I get killed by the Mafia guy (actually pretty stupid on his part due to the fact that the suspicions of the previous round had been split between me and another girl, with her getting wrongly accused. Even money says I would have been accused next). Thankfully this lead to my second beer. The game ends, I might have done some more heckling.

Another game, this time one called What If? Another beer for me. The rules of this game are simple, you write down a question on a piece of paper. Everyone exchanges papers, and answer the question they got. The papers are mixed up and a person reads the question and the person next to them reads their answer (which doesn't even match the question, get it?) and hilarity ensues (or more accurately, doesn't).

Game over. More beer and it's almost time to leave. The hostess is chatting with us. She says that since her apartment is small, she split up her house warming party into two groups (I forgot to mention that it was a house warming party, didn't I? Oh well, now you know). We got invited to this one instead of the other party when her 25 friends from a church group will be there. Jenny jokes that we love church people. I ask if they believe in evolution, and if not, could I lecture them about it? The hostess defensively says that she believes in evolution. Jenny slaps me, and we make a quick get away.

In the car she tells me I suck, and that the girl sitting next to her believes in natural selection but not in evolution (umm, yeah). A mini argument wages on the car ride home, with me eventually being called intolerant. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, here's the thing. Something like 48% of our country say they don't believe in evolution. What? Ummm, I hate to tell you this, but evolution isn't like faeries or mermaids. It's not something you get to choose whether or not you believe. Evolution is as close to fact as things come in science. Saying you don't believe in evolution is pretty much equivalent to saying you don't believe in gravity. Both can be directly observed. Both have been tested and examined empirically many times, with neither of them ever being disproved. And don't even get me started on someone saying they believe in natural selection but not in evolution. That's like saying I don't believe in the constitution, but I believe in the first amendment. It doesn't really work that way.

Now I could go into the examples that demonstrate both evolution and natural selection in action, such as antibiotic selection of bacteria. But a simple Internet search should yield all the results you could possibly desire (assuming someone who disbelieves in evolution is smart enough to be able to identify whether or not a website is a trust worthy source).

Really what the so called debate that delusional people think is going on between scientists and creationist (cause really scientist should hardly think it's worth debating) about whether evolution is in fact true comes down to misunderstanding of semantics. For some reason some people refuse to accept the simple precept of science that nothing can ever be proven, things can only be disproven. Therefore evolution gets named as a theory. This is not because there is a doubt of whether or not evolution occurs, but in fact due to the very nature of science itself. If a system dictates that nothing can ever be definitively proven, then how are you to ever say that something is true beyond doubt? Science says you can't, even with something like evolution that is very well documented. It is in fact the cornerstone on which all of modern biology is built (including by the way medicine). So maybe if you don't believe in evolution, you shouldn't believe in modern medicine either.

Anyway, I don't really want to debate the merit of evolution. I know it has, does, and will continue to occur. Maybe this makes me seem as fanatical as the loonies I am currently decrying, but then at least my viewpoint can be directly observed. What I want to say is that this has become a litmus test for me (and I know that if you follow politics the litmus test has gotten a bad name, as in a simple yes or no situation. But in fact the litmus test is still a useful and easy way of measuring pH, so think of it in that sense). If a person does not"believe" in evolution, or worse yet believes in just natural selection (a cowardly attempt to stave off debate), or worst of all intelligent design (seriously, lets take some aspects of the reality, taint them and try and pass them off as science, even though our basic precept is untestable and therefore by definition can not ever be science) I automatic discount all of their opinions. Maybe this makes me a judgmental fuck, but you know what? I don't care. If you choose to disbelieve reality, I should trust your opinion? Yeah, no thanks.

This last Saturday was the soap box derby on Mt. Tabor. We were there, and it was great fun. Team Ramm Rodd, car number 40. Here's how it all went down:

Up bright and early, we had to be there by 8am, which meant we had to met Brian and Sue at their house at 7:30. We loaded Ramm Rodd into his trailer and hit the road. After some direction confusion we made it to the top (sort of) of Mt. Tabor in Tabor park. Most of the other teams were already there, so we had to find a spot to squeeze in, right between team Tune-in-Tokyo and team Evil racing (makers of the surprisingly fast Manateevil, a large purple car that might have looked more like Grimace then it did a manatee).

Walking around there are many other cars. It looked like a 50-50 split between the art cars and the science cars. There were all different levels of sophistication in the engineering and the artistic expression. Some of the teams were even sponsored, from team evil racing who was sponsored by the Florida Room, to the Giant Big Wheel sponsored by Yamika (and most likely well over the $300 limit that should be spent on the car).

We each got 3 heats, with the fastest 27 cars advancing to a bracket to determine the winner of it all. Each heat consisted of 14 races, with each race consisting of 3 cars. We drew race 14 in the first heat, which meant a lot of waiting for us. We sat and watched the other cars go, the coolest of which is Team Tune-in-Tokyo. There car originally looks like a giant architects model, but when it starts a man dressed in a Godzilla costume jumps on board and proceeds to tear apart the city (much to the joy of the crowd). In the next heat they changed the city to New York and had King-Kong. On the final heat, King-Kong battled Godzilla for supremacy (needless to say they one for crowd favorite).

Finally it's our turn. I'm in charge of pushing. We are allowed one pusher for the first 10 yards of the race. I am actually nervous. There's a crap load of people at this point. We have two other cars with us. One science car, that looks like a wedge and is driven by a bitch. The other is an art car that looks like a circus cage and is driven by three gorillas. The director calls out to clear the track. Tells the racers to be on their ready, and yells to go. I push as hard as I can, Brian flips the switch and the blood starts squirting out of Ramm Rodd's tail (nice cherry flavored blood) which of course drenches me.

He's off, but sadly it wasn't a great push. He started in third.

We anxiously await the times. 241 seconds. We beat the circus cage, but got smoked by the wedge mobile, I think their time was 128 seconds (which is around where most of the fast cars are). The second heat. I try even harder, and end up falling down as I let go of the car (thankfully due to my excellent skills I am able to dive roll to safety).

Sadly it only cuts 5 seconds off of our time.

Our third heat, I get off my best push yet and we rally to an impressive time of 218 seconds. We are then left wait and see if we qualified for the bracket round. Coming in we didn't think we had a chance. Now Leslie and I count up the times of all the other cars and place us in the 24th-26th place range. Since the top 27 go on, we think we've made it. Finally, they put up the results, in order. And when the 25th car goes up the crowd erupts (well, at least those in the crowd wearing Ramm Rodd coveralls). Against all odds, we did it! Along with one or two other art cars.

We've got no chance of advancing any further. It's a victory for us to have made it this far. In fact almost all of the science cars are posting times that are about half what ours' are.

Still we persevere and set up for our final race. Mat comes up to me and tells me I must cheat. That the reason the other cars are beating us off the line is they are cheating and starting before the announcer says go. Fine, I've got to do what I've got to do to get us that checkered flag. We line up, the announcer tells us to get ready, then he says to get set, I push off, but my foot slips. Brian has already started spraying blood and my shoe slides in it. It doesn't matter though. We are off first. Even before he says go are car is across the line. We are in first for the first time today, and sadly the last.

The cars disappear around the bend, and when the times come back there we are at 218 seconds again, and sadly defeat. It ends up we posted the slowest time in the bracket of any car that finished. Oh well. In the end another science car takes the fastest time. Big surprise. I hope they enjoy their completely uncreative fast car, cause I didn't.

A few other observations. The blood of Ramm Rodd is cursed. Multiple cars got sprayed with it. After which none of those cars won. One of them was even destroyed in a later race. You are warned. Avoid Ramm Rodd's blood.

Bucking hay sucks. After the race Team Ramm Rodd, and two other guys, helped clean up the hay bales that lined the race course. It was freakin' hard work. The only enjoyable part was the old German Immigrant Farmer who was driving the hay truck. He was awesome.

And finally, for those that don't know: The PDX Adult Soap Box Derby is awesome! You should totally go next year. I know we will be there (perhaps with a new demon-mobile).

Another entry in the continuing "rules to live by" series. This weeks edition: how to walk in public. To start, let me say this is not about your actual walking style. As annoying as it might be I still feel you are free to strut if you like, rolling your shoulders with each step, with your chest puffed out. Fine, I don't really care. Still there are some rules you should follow when walking where other people might come in contact with you.

Here they are:

1. When walking down a corridor or pathway, walk on the right. After all this is America, we drive on the right, so please walk on the right. Trust me, it will keep things moving smoother, you'll run into less people.

2. When making a left turn in a hallway, don't cut the corner. When you do, you invariably go into the left side of the hall where, guess what, you are going to run head long into a person coming around the corner from the other direction. How can we possibly avoid this collision when you can't see though walls? Don't cut the corner, stay to the right, and shockingly enough you won't run into anybody (assuming they're following the rules).

3. When you're walking with a large group of people, don't walk abreast of each other. Leave some space not only for people coming the other way, but also faster moving people coming from behind you.

4. When climbing the stairs, you still have to stay to the right. The rules don't change for stairs.

5. Don't stop on the stairs or in front of an entrance or exit to the stairs. Have you ever heard the term bottle neck? That's what they are talking about. When you stop on the stairs you've just put a stopper in the bottle neck. Bad idea.

6. Be careful with your gesticulations. It's not a problem if you talk with your hands, after all even I do. But be aware of your surroundings. If your walking and you make a large hand gesture, but oops there's someone walk besides you that you didn't notice you may have poked out their eye.

7. When in the flow of a crowd, don't randomly stop to see if your headed where you want. Pull to the side, stopping front of people is lame. If you did it in a car, you'd be rear ended. Don't do it walking either.

8. On a narrow trail the person going uphill gets right of way. It's only fair, they're doing the harder work.

9. Stop for pedestrians. Okay, this one doesn't actually apply to walking, but it still pisses me off. Seriously, when someone is waiting at a crosswalk, stop for them. How much time is it really going to add to you commute? I thought so.

10. Don't spare change me when I'm walking. Actually, this one doesn't strictly apply to walking either. Just stop pan handling from me, okay? It's not my duty to support your worthless ass and your drinking/drug habit. Especially when your 16 and live with your parents in Gresham.

11. In large crowds, don't go against the flow. It messes everything up. I like everything to be neat and tidy (well, not really) and when you go against the flow it sends ripples of disruption through the crowd.

Hmm, seems like 11 is the number. There's probably more I'm just not thinking of yet, but oh well. I'll correct it when I do.

Until then, if you want to be a good and skilled public walker, just follow these rules. Everything will go some much more smoothly if we all did. Imagine a world where you never have to do the avoidance dance. It's a beautiful thing.

Labels: Life lessons

The other day I was talking with a co-worker and mentioned my new Nintendo Wii. She starts making fun of me for it. How old are you? Twelve? No, I say, I'm freakin' 29 and in no way embarrassed to be playing video games (snap, slap, whap). Now, ignoring the fact that she's so hopelessly ill informed as to believe that video games are still made primarily for children she made me think of something. Growing up there came a time in life when I decided (not really through a choice of my own but more out of a sense of personal preservation) that I should learn how to be cool (it's definitely arguably on how well I achieved this goal, but that's hardly the point).

So I set about doing this. Now, I could only work with what I had available, and seeing as how I'd never been cool I realized that I had to go to a source outside myself. And so I watched other people who I thought were cool (this was a questionable choice, being a young teenager) and tried to learn their behavior. Here are the rules I observed:

1. Don't ever like anything. Liking things is a sign of weakness. If you want to be cool you have to hate everything. Maybe every now and then you can grudgingly say somethings all right.

2. Fun does not exist, so you can't have any. This of course ties into the not liking anything rule, but you shouldn't have fun.

3. Dress in a lot of black.

4. Corporate logos are no good (this rule was specific to the people I thought were cool, noty necessarily to every cool person). Instead you should cover yourself in all kinds of band patches. That is way cooler.

5. Make fun of everyone and everything. Again this ties to the first rules. Since you can't like anything, and you have to demonstrate not liking anything, what better way then to make fun of it?

6. Sit around a lot. After all, you don't like anything, you can't have fun, why try and do anything?

7. Self-destructive behavior is they only kind worth undertaking. Drugs, alcohol, smoking, getting arrested... These are the only things that you can do that aren't lame. If you're not breaking a law, is it worth doing? (Again, these are the people I thought were cool).

So why talk about this? Well because forcing yourself to live that way really tends to screw you up. How does this tie into a Nintendo Wii? Well there's no way I would have been allowed to admit to playing, enjoying, let alone owning one 10-15 years ago.

These old habits die hard. Back when I tried to be cool everything I did, everything I owned, everyone I hung out with was dictated by a strict code of what was acceptable. Now things are slowly starting to fade. I listen to much more diverse music, though there are still things I'd be embarrassed to say I listen to, although I now listen to quite a bit of metal and that would never have been allowed. I am no longer a vegan. I hang out with people who aren't punk rock. I actually do stuff. I like stuff, and even admit.

There's one behavior I just can't seem to break, and that's making fun of everything. Nothing's good enough. And it's a hard behavior, never being serious, just ask my wife. I sometimes wonder where I would have ended up, and who I would have ended up as if I had chosen a different path. I mean, what would I be like as a serious straight laced dill hole? (I guess I kind of showed my bias there). Oh well, I'll never know. And honestly it doesn't matter. I'm happy with where I am. I have a good life, good friends, and good things going on. Plus I have my Nintendo Wii, and I'm not even afraid to admit it.

Riding the MAX in this morning an elderly man sat next to me. I have to say I after stinky ass bums and talkative crazy people, elderly people are my least favorite bench mates, just before morbidly obese people. Why? Because they don't follow the damn rules of bus riding. They never move for you, I guess they think since they can barely stand they don't have to get up to let you off. But more annoyingly they have no qualms about invading your space. I don't like random people touching me on the bus or MAX.

All right, I realize that not everyone out there understands the proper code of conduct when riding public transit. Seeing as how I've been a mass transit commuter for every work day for the last five years with a commute between 45 and 60 mins I feel that not only am I passionate about this code, but experienced enough to lay it out for those with less time spent on board. So here it is, the transit code that you should live and die by.

1. Sit in whatever direction your seat faces. If your seat faces forward, you are not allowed to sit sideways, or heaven forbid backwards. Why you ask? It's not because I'm concerned about your personal safety. No, it's actually because I or someone like me might be sitting behind you. I do not want to look at you. And I don't want you facing me. I'd much rather look at the back of your head.

2. Don't stand in front of the bus' back door. There's a reason that area in front of the back door on a bus is painted yellow. That's because you aren't supposed to stand there. The bus pulls in for a stop and I want to get off. There's nobody else standing, in fact there are open seats, and you're standing in the door and I have to squeeze past you? Uh, you suck. Just sit down, nobody thinks you're cool for standing while the bus is driving.

3. If someone where to draw a cartoon of you and they would draw squiggly stink lines emanating from you, don't get on the bus. The bus, and to a lesser extent the MAX, are pretty much just boxes on wheels with enclosed air systems. If I have to cover my face with my hand to shield myself from your odor you have no business being on a bus. Please take a shower first.

4. In a related note, please don't fart on the bus. We are all pretty much trapped there, and you're going to go and pass gas forcing us all to breathe it? Not cool. Only time that is more inappropriate to fart is when you are on an exercise machine next to someone else.

5. Don't touch the person next to you. Your seat is your personal space, if you are in contact with the person next to you, then you've invaded their's. If you're in the outside seat then you should lean towards the aisle, don't crowd the other person until they're pressed against the window. (Note, there is one exception to this rule, and that is if you're a hot girl/boy who obeys all other rules, then you can touch the person next to you in a sort of covert flirty manner).

6. If the person next to you is reading or wearing headphones, don't talk to them. Obviously they don't want to have a conversation, otherwise they wouldn't have the book/headphones, so just shut up. (The exception to this rule is if you need to ask directions, etc.)

7. Cell Phones. If you get a call go ahead and answer it, and then say "I'm on the bus/MAX, can I call you back." I do not now, or probably ever will, care about your personal problems. And there really is nothing worse then listening to a loud (invariably the person on the cell phone is talking loudly) one-sided conversation.

8. If you are having a conversation with another rider, keep it at a respectful level. Not everybody thinks you're as funny as you do. Also, about the headphones, if I can identify what song you are listening to, it's too loud.

9. When you are sitting in the aisle seat and the person next to you is getting off, get up out of your seat to allow them to leave. Sliding your legs to the side while remaining seated to let them squeeze by is not acceptable. Are you really so lazy that you can't get up?

10. Don't sit on the MAX's steps. Especially if you don't get up to let people get by.

11. When queuing to get on the bus/MAX, let the people get off before you get on. It's pretty easy, just look through the window and you can see if anyone is getting off. Also, let people with a handicap get on first. That's only fair.

12. Bodily fluids should not be outside of your body while on the bus. Included on this list: vomit, blood, saliva, snot, feces, and urine. In fact no part of your person should become detached and left on the bus. It's like hiking, take only pictures and leave only footprints. My own worst experience with bodily fluids was while riding up to the hill and some stinky fat guy took out his huge sample container full of urine and set it on the bench between us. Needless to say I scowled and moved away.

13. No large animals. If your giant dog decides to go berserk, we're all sitting ducks. Just imagine the carnage, blood splattered windows, torn limbs, etc. Don't do it. Buses are for people, not dogs, unless your handicapped.

14. When you're standing please move to the back of the bus. The bus does not in fact end at the back door. There's a whole-nother section behind that. Nothings worse then being packed like sardines in the front of the bus when the back is all but empty. Just because you want easy access to the door does not give you the right to make everybody else's life on the bus a cramped sweaty hell.

I think that about covers it. 14 rules, and if you follow them then you too can be a good mass transit commuter. Your reward? You get to be annoyed by all those crappy ass commuters out there that follow, none or only some of the rules.